Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

FICTION by Evan Stoner

22 – M – Chicago, IL

Orientation Straight
Ethnicity Black
Height 5’11”
Body Type Skinny
Diet Strictly anything
Smokes That shit kills
Drinks Beer me, bro
Drugs See “Smokes”
Religion See “Job”
Education Graduated from university
Job Science!
Income Somewhere between decent and ka-ching
Relationship Status Single
Offspring I never got into them, a little before my time.
Pets Cats FTW. Dogs okay too.
Speaks English


My self-summary:

Suburban transplant to Chicago for college, stuck around for a job. I graduated with a degree in biochemistry and a double minor in charming and handsome.


What I’m doing with my life:

Working in a research chemistry lab studying yeast while listening to a lot of high-concept heavy metal and craving human contact.


I’m really good at:

Science and cooking. Also sarcasm, but never in the context of science or cooking.


The first things people usually notice about me:

I’m a non-white male.


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

Books: Ender’s Game, Slash, Mo’ Meta Blues

Comic books: Magneto, Moon Knight, Manhattan Projects, Saga.

Movies: A Band Called Death, Anvil the Story of Anvil, anything by Tarantino.

Shows: Breaking Bad

Music: The Sword, Mastodon, Queens of the Stone Age, early Weezer, The Who.

Food: Lasagna, pepperoni, pizza (thin crust, not deep dish), popcorn, beer.


The six things I could never do without:

My glasses
Some sort of music-playing device
My AIC membership


I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Yeast, and how to make it grow. The things Dimebag Darrell could’ve done with an average lifespan. How cool it would be if I had a science buddy like Jesse from Breaking Bad. Whether or not I’d be more like Pinky or more like Brain in a dynamic duo.


On a typical Friday night I am:

Doing typical shit.


The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I once tried to become left-handed, but it didn’t work out. I also have an enormous penis.


I’m looking for:

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 19–25
  • Near me
  • Long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex


You should message me if:

You made it this far.

You’re a scientist.

You want to check out a show, as in a rock show.

You’re okay with hanging out and not talking. Like, we could just sit and watch a movie, or read comics, or listen to The Who’s Quadrophenia and just chill. And maybe make out a little bit.



Are you happy with your life?



Obviously I wish there were more swimsuit models in my life, but things are pretty decent. Some fuckhead at the lab keeps taking my yogurt from the fridge, which blows. I’m thinking about getting a cat.


Do you enjoy intense intellectual conversations?



As long as we’re talking about science or debating the importance of Metallica in metal music, then hells yeah.


In a certain light, wouldn’t nuclear war be exciting?



What “certain light” are we talking about? Nuclear war isn’t some fireworks show. If you somehow survived a nuclear attack, you’d probably be one of the last humans on Earth, which maybe sounds cool, but would really be like solitary confinement. Also, if you survive with another person and decide to repopulate our species, your kids would probably be flipper babies or have an extra head. That’s just fucked up, not exciting.


Do you believe in God?



Dear God,

If you’re reading this (and I know you are you nosy bastard), you’re probably aware that my dating life isn’t going so well. Do you have any female angels you can spare? If you send one my way, I promise to use the “Did it hurt…” pick-up line. That’d be good for a laugh, right?




Message to punperknicknack — July 8, 6:27 pm
88% match
21 – F – Chicago, IL

Hey, I really enjoyed your profile. What’s the name of your cat?



Message to bohrme204 — July 9, 8:11 pm

Thanks, your profile made me laugh. My cat’s name is Oscar, because when I first got him he tried to eat a piece of bologna. Do you have any pets?



Message to punperknicknack — July 9, 10:03 pm

I don’t have any pets. Yet. I’d really like to get a cat. It’d just be nice to come home and not have my apartment be completely empty, you know? If I get a boy cat I’ll call him Gatsby (the Catsby), and if I get a girl I’ll call her Princess Zelda.

Want to meet up sometime? I think we’d have a lot to talk about..



Which of these options most closely describes what you’re looking for in your next relationship?

Someone to come home to
Someone to go out with
Just for tonight


Some combination of the first two?


How much can intelligence turn you on?

A lot!
A bit.
Intelligence does nothing for me either way.
Intelligence turns me off.


You must be positively charged because I’ve had my ion you.
If I were DNA Helicase I would unzip your jeans.


How long do your romantic relationships usually last?

0-6 months
6-12 months
12+ months
I’ve never been in a relationship


Which superpower would you rather have?



Why be invisible when you can just fly over everyone and watch them with binoculars?


Message to saraciraptor — July 11, 7:02 pm
91% match
19 – F – Chicago, IL

Hey, I enjoyed reading your profile. Sweet tats. What are some of your favorite King Crimson albums?



Message to bohrme254 — July 12, 9:33 pm

Thanks 🙂

I don’t actually know which King Crimson record is my favorite. I only know about them because my brother made me a mix CD filled with their songs. He gave it to me when I was in high school and I still listen to it all the time.

Where’d you go to college? I’m studying psych at UIC.



Message to saraciraptor — July 13, 12:29 pm

I just graduated from UIC! It’s a shame we never met. How do you like it? Are you interested in clinical psychology or research?

Sounds like your older brother is awesome. King Crimson have some great tracks, and their debut is a classic.


Message to bohrme254 — July 14, 7:23 pm

I like UIC, although it has to be one of the ugliest campuses in the world. I’ve seen prisons that are prettier.

Right now I’m thinking of pursuing a more clinical path, but I’m not opposed to doing research. What about you? Do you think you’ll ever go for a Ph.D.?


Message to saraciraptor — July 15, 12:11 pm

Right now I don’t think I’ll ever get a Ph.D. I definitely need a break from school. Working in a lab is fine for now.

Would you maybe want to meet up sometime? We could grab a drink or coffee someplace. Seems like we’d have a lot to talk about.


Message to bohrme254 — July 15, 8:41 pm

Yeah, it’d be great to meet up. It’ll have to be coffee though since I’m not 21. My number is XXX.XXX.XXXX.


July 16, 7:44 pm

Hey it’s Percy from OkCupid.
What’s up?

Hey not too much, just studying.

Trying to answer the age-old question:
What to have for dinner


Any chance you’re free on Saturday? I was
thinking we could check out the art institute.

Ooh fancy, haha. Saturday is great.
How about we meet at 2:30?

That works for me, see you then.

Looking forward to it 🙂

July 19, 2:37 pm

Are you here? I’m outside by
the lions.

July 19, 2:51 pm

Call me when you arrive,
I’ll be inside.



Message to saraciraptor — July 19, 9:33 pm

So you bailed on the art institute, which blows. You really missed out.

I went on a first date to the art institute a couple years ago with a totally hot older coworker who asked me out, so of course I said yes. Also, she wasn’t older as in mom older. Just like three or four years.

ANYWAY she was an AIC member so we got in for free. She told me how she sometimes comes in with a book to hang out and read. When we broke up I became a member so I could do the same thing. I read science articles in favor of books, though. I don’t have any proof, but I’m convinced the air in there is an ease-of-comprehension catalyst. I did most of the reading for my senior project in the member’s lounge.

I didn’t have anything to read today since I was planning on looking at art with another human (i.e. you), because reading while you’re hanging out with someone is considered rude. Almost as rude as standing someone up. I did, however, have my earbuds and a decent selection of songs on my phone. I hadn’t heard from you (still waiting, btw), so death metal was the order of the day.

I go to the art institute often enough that my membership pays for itself pretty early in the year. I’ve never looked at much of the art though. I mostly wander around looking at other people until I can find a bench , or hang in the member’s lounge drinking coffee. Listening to Slayer I actually looked at the art. It all seemed big. Bigger than I thought it would be.

I ended up wandering into the top floor of the modern wing. I don’t remember what room I was in, but it was mostly American and European paintings and some weird sculptures. I stopped in front of a painting of a man falling/jumping out of a window. It’s near Picasso’s famous blue guitar painting, and on the same wall as a painting of a Pied Piper-looking guy.

I don’t remember it s title or the name of the artist. Even if I did I probably wouldn’t tell you so you could find it on your own (Google images is cheating). The guy falling takes up most of the image, and he’s sort of framed in the window. There are some plants below his feet, and he’s holding on to the curtain at the top. Berlin is below him, the buildings are all purple-black with red and yellowish-green light coming from the windows. The guy’s face is turned to stare at whoever’s looking at the painting. His face is the same yellow as the windows, making it look like he’s already dead. Next to the painting is a blurb about how it depicts an actual suicide, but the artist painted his own face on the man leaping out the window.

Maybe it seems strange that I remember all these details but not the painting’s name, but I stared at the painting for a long time. Like hours.

I never took an art history class (or even art appreciation), so I have no idea what the painting really means, but I hope it’s about empathy. People can try and empathize with others, and are sometimes successful, but can anyone really know what it’s like to kill yourself? People who’ve attempted suicide can probably guess, but what about the non-mentally ill? I’d like to think the artist put his own face on the suicidal poet to show how that’s the only way we can empathize with others. We can’t really imagine what’s it’s like for another person to kill themselves, but we can imagine what it would be like for us to commit suicide in their position. This always strikes me as a sort of paradox, but it’s as close as we can get.

I’m not telling you all this because it’ll make any difference in your decision to date me. I just hope you make it to the art institute to look at this painting. I know the chances of you reading or even opening this message are pretty slim. Maybe you’ll read this a few months from now and think I’m a total weirdo (valid), but still check out the painting. It’s worth it.


Evan Stoner (MAPH’14) graduated from MAPH’s creative writing option. His work has also appeared in Underground Voices’ 2013 Anthology, Red Moon District. He’s currently working on a novel, and more of his work can be found on his website.

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